the psychology of sex

part of the work i've done with couples revolves around kind of the sexual scripts, which are the sexual response cycles that i see couples come in with. and it's almost like they have this preconditioned idea that this is the story i'm supposed to have for sex and if it doesn't go this way, then there's something wrong. and so, i have to talk with him about, you know what, that's

the psychology of sex, just the story that we have in the united states, mainly from this medical point of view. but, you can write your sexual script any way you want. so, it doesn't have to end in orgasm. it doesn't have to start out with this massive building up of desire and excitement. it can go any way that you want it to and

that's what's really important as people need to understand that they really own their sexual response cycle. and they own their sexual script. and it really can be written and rewritten any way that's, that's comfortable for them. so we know that there's a difference in sexual response depending on the culture but do women and men have different orgasms. even though a lot of people orgasms whether it be through self stimulation self love or partnered or partnered experiences, many people do orgasms. however, there are large percentages of people who do not. again a lot of times that does tend to be women who experience more difficulty orgaziming. on average, the orgasm, kind

of experience is the shortest part of a sexual response cycle. unless of course, you're, you know, a pig in which case, it's like thirty minutes long. but, humans are very short cycled for their orgasm but that really varies from person to person as well. so, for some people an orgasm might last like thirty seconds, for other people it could last a matter of minutes. and actually woman tend to have longer orgasms than men. or are capable of longer orgasms. women, when they do orgasm are also able to have multiple orgasms pretty consecutively in a row pretty easily compared to their male counterpart. so, once a woman kind of figures out how to have an orgasm, she actually has more opportunity

for longer orgasms and more of them in comparison to men. however in general, more women do struggle to kind of learn how to orgasm. and i say learn how to orgasm because one of the biggest differences is just is an, it's an anatomical difference, right. so men they have basically all of their equipment right in front of them on the outside, you know, their penis is right in front of them, their testicles is right in front of them. so it's, it's very easy to kind of self explore and figure it out what to do, right. with women, most of the equipment is internal. so it's very difficult to kind of figure out what, what your body's doing, what something feels like. i mean and there's a difference

between a clitoral orgasm and a [inaudible] spot orgasm or a g-spot orgasm. and a lot of women, it takes a lot of exploration before they're really able to have an orgasm in either location. and a lot of the holdup for women is just that many societies, pretty much across the globe, many societies have put restrictions on women. social restrictions, moral restrictions, religious restrictions where they're, they're kind of sent this message that sex is something that they're not supposed to enjoy. and doesn't really, their needs really aren't all that important in

terms of desire, arousal and orgasm. and so, it's very challenging to, for women not only because it's anatomical differences to orgasm because we have to learn. but they also have to tear down kind of this societal block or wall that has been created in their mind around not being able to orgasm. so, couple things i recommend for people when i see clients, especially women who are struggling to have an orgasm and they want to have an orgasm. it's okay if people don't want to orgasm too. that's fine. but what i recommend when they do is, a lot of self exploration, so getting to know their own body. and then a lot of, just cognitive behavioral therapies to work on the fact that it's

totally normative and natural to have sexual feelings and to feel good when you're engaging in certain behaviors.